six months, three weeks, three days

Sometimes, the word "overwhelmed" isn't quite enough to describe things.

This guy?

Captain Adorable he may well be, but lately he has been difficult. He has a case of thrush. Maybe that's making him irritable. He hasn't been sleeping well. That makes us both irritable. The sleep training I keep promising I'm about to start, but never have because I can't stand listening to him cry? Because things weren't really that bad? I really need to do that now, or I may not make it much longer. So, maybe that's what's got me down. Maybe it's that my maternity leave is ending in two short months, and I have no idea what my job will be, or if I should be looking for a new one. Or that I wish I didn't need to work at all, because I don't know if I can bear to send Celia to preschool every day or leave Henry at daycare. Or that I'm worried I won't be able to save or pump enough milk for him to have while I'm at work. Or that my mom's away for two weeks, and apparently I'm not grown up enough to handle my Mommy being away. Or that Chris is so busy with work that he spends almost all his waking hours working, leaving me feeling overwhelmed with the kids. Or that I'm traveling by myself with the kids this weekend. 

I have the idea in my head that if I can just make it 'till Monday morning, things will be much better. Monday morning will give me a clean slate. Unfortunately, Monday is still four days away.

Sometimes I get so overwhelmed that I have to get rid of things. The house has to be in order. I want the clutter gone. I want all the junk we never use to be bagged up and thrown out. I go through closets and throw things away. I pick things up and box up toys that never get used. Somehow, getting rid of the physical clutter helps clear the mental mess too. This week that has helped, but still hasn't been quite enough. I've been frantically cleaning up the clutter, but I still feel anxious.

I am tired. It recently dawned on me that I haven't had a good night's sleep in seven months. That alone is overwhelming. I hoped to put away the laundry during Henry's afternoon nap. The problem was, he wasn't having an afternoon nap. He started yawning, so I put him in the crib. He cried and cried. I tried nursing him, but he didn't like that either. I brought him back to his room, turned on the white noise, and walked him around. After a while, his little body relaxed. Mine did too. I kept walking. Henry's eyelids finally started to droop. I kept walking. The window shade was pulled down, all I could hear was the sound of rushing water, and all that mattered was us. Me mothering my boy. Why would I want to rush that? So I could fold towels?

Ever since Henry was born, whenever I've started to feel impatient for him to just go to sleep so I could go and get something done, I've always reminded myself that I will never have that day with him again. I would remind myself, "He'll never be a month and two days old again...He'll never be two months, one week and six days old again...I'll never have a four month old again..." And I'd keep nursing him, or rocking him, taking in everything I could about him. Today I did that. "He'll never be six months, three weeks, three days old again." Henry drifted deeper into sleep. His body became heavy in my arms. Some day I won't be able to hold him like that anymore. Someday he'll be a grown man. I can't imagine. Are these the things my mother thought about when she rocked me? I watched his face. The round, rosy cheeks. The lashes that still curled up just a little when his eyes were closed. I committed them to memory, as I do every time. His chubby arms and legs too.

I lay him down. He stayed asleep for over an hour, and I finished some of my tasks downstairs. I was overwhelmed today, so he led me. There is still much ahead. Playing with a busy and tired three-year-old, cooking supper, cleaning up, giving baths, watering the garden, cleaning up some more. But he centered me, at least for a little while. Now I know that no matter what I don't get done, I won't regret this six month, three week, three day day.