Through the Picture Window: i love her

My hair is frizzy. My clothes are ill-fitting and I feel unattractive. I have a dried up smear of canned pumpkin on my shirt. The mascara I put on this morning (to feel more put together) is smudged under my eye. Every time I look at the kitchen floor, new crumbs have sprung up to replace the ones I just removed. This day will be long and I will spend it all with a 2-year-old. My husband won't be home until nearly her bedtime. There were times this morning that were strenuous exercises in patience and self control. Moments when I had to stay calm, refrain from raising my voice too loud, set an example, and follow through on discipline. We had good moments too: raking leaves and playing in them, having a great time together in music class, making green eggs and ham for her lunch... But my, we are in a trying season right now. Celia does everything she can to push my buttons. I'm prepared that it may get worse before it gets better, with a new sibling on the way.

This is not a glamorous way to live. It's no Desperate Housewives episode. With school age kids, I'll bet this gets easier. But with young kids? Being a stay-at-home mom isn't an easy job. And that's the job I've signed up for, full time for the first time, from November until at least next September. And I'm ready. Despite the challenges of this stage of toddlerhood, I've been a mother for almost three years and finally feel competent and confident enough that I know I can stay home with my kids and do a darn good job of it. I know that every stage is just a stage. None of them last long. And with the challenges come wonderful things at all of those stages. And if I can be the one at home with them, guiding them through, watching them grow and learn about the world? And if they turn out to be happy, well-behaved, smart, well-adjusted kids because of how I've loved and guided them? For me, at this time in my life, there could be no greater accomplishment. If I were working outside the home, our kids would still turn out wonderfully. But this year something has changed, and my job outside of home is not, other than the paycheck, one worth working. There's a very good reason why staying home for ten months is the best decision I could have made. It's been tugging at my heart (and sometimes at my pant leg) every morning as I leave for another job that isn't fulfilling in the least. The reason is in the pictures I had to remove from my office desk, because seeing them just made me sad.

It's because despite the difficult stage we're in and how frequently she tests me, this little person is still the cutest, sweetest, smartest, most fantastic little person in the whole world.

There is nothing better than teaching her, cooking with her, playing games with her, taking her to new places, having a conversation with her. There is nothing better than climbing into her bed and snuggling with her, seeing her eyes light up with excitement when we read stories together, being the person she wants to be with above all others. Feeling her arms wrap around my neck, and hearing her little voice: Mommy, I love you.

No difficult stage could ever make me forget how wonderful it is to be her mother. I have never experienced anything as overwhelming as my love is for her. Now? I get to do this again, for a second time with a second baby. I'm about to be doubly overwhelmed.

I don't plan to be a martyr. There will be long days when I haven't slept, the baby is fussy and crying, Celia wants all my attention, and I want to pull my hair out. There will be days when I long for a break, drop them off at daycare, and breathe a sigh of relief as I arrive home to a quiet house. Hopefully on those days, I'll remember to look back at posts like this one, and I'll regain some perspective. In fact, maybe one of you could send me a quick reminder tonight around dinner time, when I'm exhausted and my husband still isn't home from work and somebody's refusing dinner and throwing food on the floor ;)